The Rules

Rule #41

If your PIN
number is your
girlfriend's
birthday,
you're a
sucker.

If your PIN
number is your
birthday,
you're an idiot.

Rule # 40

Dogs with
bandannas tied
around their
necks are not
pleased with
the accessory.

Rule #39:
The day that the
New York
Times referred to
Snoop
Doggy Dogg
on a second reference
as Mr. Dogg
was the day
the whole
formal news
outlet edifice
began to
crumble.

Rule #38:
Yes, seat belts
do wrinkle your
suit, but so
do windshields

Rule #37:
There are
words to say
when playing
touch football .
" Got you "
is fine.
" Touchdown "
expected.
But " Hey,
too hard! "
that's a
no-no .

Rule #36 :
Making a living
as a man who
turns into a huge
green monster
with tight, tattered
pants to fight
crime is fine
and dandy - it's
your choice.
But know this:
It's a lonely,
lonely life.

Rule #35 :
Never confer
on the creepy
habits of the
tech-support
guy via e-mail.

Rule #34 :
Phrases that make you sound like an idiot:
1. Don't even think about it.
2. Get over it.
3. You da man.
4. I don't think so.
5. It's all good.
6. In your dreams.
7. Put a cork in it
8. … is toast.
9. You've got that right.
&
10. Don't go there

Rule #33 :
The only
time it's
acceptable
for a man
to shut one
eye is when
he's taking
a picture.

Rule #32 :
Be wary of people
who address
their dad as
"Father"
Be even more
wary of people
who address
their dad as
"Colonel."

Rule #31 :
If there is danger
involved, it is
fun.

It is more fun
if it requires you
to sign
a waiver.

Rule #30 :
Never trust
a man
who uses a
vibrato
while singing
"Happy
Birthday."

Rule #29 :
Unless you are a
Pilgrim, large
shoe buckles
are to be avoided.

Rule #28:
Only the very
rich can use
summer and
winter as verbs.

But

not even the
Sultan of Brunei
can use
autumn
as a verb.

Rule #27:
It's possible
to actually
become
dumber
by watching TV news-
magazines.

Rule #26:
No matter how
greasy the pizza
is, you can"t
blot it with
a paper towel
and expect to be
taken seriously.

Rule # 25:
It is unnecessary
to compound the
effect of white
shoes by
wearing a
white belt.

Rule # 24:
There is no dignified
way to ask why
you weren't invited
to the
pool party.

Rule # 23:
A sandwich
tastes exactly
one-third better
when it's made
by someone else.

Rule # 22:
Never cook with
wine that you
wouldn't want
to drink.

Rule # 21:
There comes
a time in
any man's life
when
airborne
livestock is
no longer
funny.

Rule # 20:
People will compliment
you on the
cheap artwork
you purchased at
IKEA, but it
will feel
hollow.

Rule # 19:
The best
force is
centrifugal.

Rule # 18:
The only good white,
dreadlocked street
musician playing
an extended
version of "Tears in Heaven"
is a dead white,
dreadlocked street
musician
playing an
extended version of
"Tears in Heaven."

Rule # 17:
If you are a
mentally retarded
character
in a movie, it is
imperative that
your pants be
too short.

Rule # 16:
A man on a
1949 Indian
motorcycle
traveling at 93 miles
an hour is 3.729
men, until he's
cloven in
twain by a
bridge abutment, at
which point he
becomes two
halves of a man.

Rule # 15:
A man in a
minivan is
half a man.

Rule # 14:
If you have been
drinking,
arrested,
or touring a
hostile land
full of gun-toting
fundamentalists,
or if you are the
lead singer
of Sugar Ray,
talk one-fifth
as much
as you listen.

Rule # 13:
Talk half
as much
as
you listen.

Rule # 12:
If you become
annoyed with
a telephone customer-
service representative,
be aware that
the words " I'd like to
speak to your
supervisor" are
generally understood
to mean "I'd like
to speak to your
friend in the next
cubicle who will
pretend to be your supervisor."
Just so you know.

Rule # 11:
The same does
not apply
to Showtime

Rule # 10:
People who
shell out
for HBO
are not, in fact,
under any obligation
to videotape
programs
for people who
do not
shell out
for HBO.

Rule # 9:
White cars
look good
only on Fantasy
Island.

Rule # 8:
The team mascot
sleeps alone.

Rule # 7:
There is nothing
that can be marketed
that cannot be better marketed
using the voice of James Earl Jones

Rule # 6:
Sitcom characters
watching porn
always tilt
their heads.

Rule # 5:
Wow is
not a verb.

Rule # 4:
When someone says he is
"pumped"
about something,
it usually
means
he's about to do
something stupid.

Rule #3:
Do not trust a man
who calls the bathroom
"the little boy's room."

Rule # 2:
Old people
always have
exact change.

Rule # 1:
When aliens talk
they never use contractions.